Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
