if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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