seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
