I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
