remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
