Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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