you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
