So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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