if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
