I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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