I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm at about main and main street
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
