mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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