I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
