Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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