Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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