It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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