We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Can you repeat that, but with context?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
