just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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