before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
