Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
