So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
