my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Randomize
