Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
