Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
