11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
