I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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