but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
