I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
