you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
