well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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