I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
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Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
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I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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