Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
