You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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