You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
