Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
