If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
