i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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