I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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