I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
