He disabled his match.com account in front of me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
