i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
