My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
