Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
