Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Randomize
