If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
