i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
