oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
