I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
