i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
