i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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