Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
