Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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