I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He did a backflip because drugs
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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