Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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