Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You need a sexual gate keeper
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
