The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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